I had extremely stressful, and high profile jobs in the military. I worked very long hours and excelled at what I did, but I had very little balance. For me, it was work, workout, church, and occasionally socializing. I was exhausted a lot, and afraid a lot, because I was trying to live the “best Christian life” I heard about in church. Always careful not to be unhappy, never showing weakness or fear, and always the first to criticize what someone else was doing “wrong.”
I played the part well. I listened, took notes, looked down on those who weren’t “enough” like the rest of us who went to church. I talked about them behind their backs and made sure to highlight all the good things my church was doing, and that I was involved in. I usually attended church no matter how exhausted I was, silently keeping mental attendance of who wasn’t there. I was a jerk, and I am not proud of it. I have lived and learned and won’t ever go back to being that way again.
It’s exhausting being perfect. Always smiling, always volunteering, always making sure everyone knew I followed the rules. Waking up on Sunday to sit through a three-hour service was draining. We were told how unworthy we were. They told us how sinful we were and how we were headed for hell for not giving enough money, time, or effort. Beat down week after week for years. Never lifted up, never helped, never asked about, never given a break.
Sundays were a nightmare, a cycle of exhaustion that dominated my life. I am so glad to be sitting at home in my pajamas on a Sunday morning, not worrying about having to attend church today.
I am finally free.
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