Since I've been gone…

The long road after leaving a religious cult

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Leaving religion is hard! I am here to tell you my story and how I was traumatized after leaving a high control cult and how I got my life back.
  • Falling For The False Teachings Of The Rapture

    I remember in the early 2000s when I was an evangelical and the book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins was popular. I already had so much fear instilled in me from being taught about the rapture, second coming, and being left behind during the apocalypse that I didn’t even need to read them. I do remember eventually thinking it was all BS, but the psychological damage was already done long before that.

    I heard rumbles about what was going on this past week on, but I had no idea how serious it was until my husband came home from work and told me what was happening all over the internet and the world. I was stunned at the stories he told me. I couldn’t believe my ears. I laughed in the moment, but I knew the deep and urgent seriousness of it all and that a blog post needed to be written.

    You see, what happened this week was very, very serious. It has devastating effects for everyone, and I am here to help you see the truth for what it is. If you were duped into believing that the rapture is real and that you will miss it or need to give away your things—please don’t. One man in South Africa made a TikTok about this happening, and it caught fire. Needless to say, that fire has not yet been fully extinguished, but it has already caused so much damage. That’s what cults do—they instill fear, and that fear leads to irresponsible decisions that cause harm.

    I also heard last night that he has rescheduled the date of it. I honestly have no idea if people are doing the same thing again and listening to him, but I’m sure I’ll know the outcome in a few days.

    As I have spoken about before, the fear that is taught in these religious groups has dangerous effects. Living in constant fear is damaging to both our physical and mental health. I know that when I was in a high-control religion, my mental and physical health deteriorated and completely broke down—to a point that I will never be the same again because of it.

    Group think is dangerous, and going to any church, no matter the religion, often encourages blind obedience to man—or, as they like to call it, “faith in God.” But it has nothing to do with faith when they are telling you how to live your life, what to do with your body, kids, finances, or where to work or go to school. No church should have any say whatsoever in your personal decisions. That is control, and you are a human being with a brain that has the capacity to think for itself.

    If you have fallen for the dangerous teachings of the rapture or think you are in a high-control church, it’s okay to leave now. You don’t owe anyone any explanation—just leave and start to rebuild your life.

    Falling For The False Teachings Of The Rapture

  • I Don’t Hate You, Fellow Human. I Hated Myself.

    I know I’ve talked about how judgmental I was in religion. I seemed hateful. I acted cruelly toward anyone who didn’t fit the mold I was taught to believe was “right.” 

    But here’s the truth: that was what we were taught. That was what we heard. That was what I accepted as normal. It’s called indoctrination and it’s what all cults use to brainwash people. You are taught that you are better than everyone else, that you are God’s chosen, that you must always be perfect. Don’t feel. Don’t cry. Don’t be angry. Let people use you, forgive them even if it hurts you financially, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Be a doormat. Always nice. Never question. Never set boundaries.  Truthfully, I couldn’t stand how we were treated in church and I hated what I saw. I know you’re asking why I stayed. I don’t know, I haven’t worked through that yet. I may never have an answer for you. 

     Those teachings hollowed us out. We became numb, empty, repeating only what we were told. We were not allowed to have a TV. No movies. No friends—unless they were in the church. No higher education. No voices but the ones they approved. Cut off from thought, from choice, from life itself. I become a shell, a mimic, a zombie, dead inside. 

    And that’s how they gain control of you.

    So hear me now, fellow human: I am sorry. I am sorry for degrading you. I am sorry for judging you. I am sorry for not seeing your humanity. I was trapped in a cage, poisoned, afraid.

    I Don’t Hate You, Fellow Human. I Hated Myself.

  • The Dread of Waking Up on Sundays and Going to Church

    I had  extremely stressful, and high profile jobs in the military. I worked very long hours and excelled at what I did, but I had very little balance. For me, it was work, workout, church, and occasionally socializing. I was exhausted a lot, and afraid a lot, because I was trying to live the “best Christian life” I heard about in church. Always careful not to be unhappy, never showing weakness or fear, and always the first to criticize what someone else was doing “wrong.”

    I played the part well. I listened, took notes, looked down on those who weren’t “enough” like the rest of us who went to church. I talked about them behind their backs and made sure to highlight all the good things my church was doing, and that I was involved in. I usually attended church no matter how exhausted I was, silently keeping mental attendance of who wasn’t there. I was a jerk, and I am not proud of it. I have lived and learned and won’t ever go back to being that way again. 

    It’s exhausting being perfect. Always smiling, always volunteering, always making sure everyone knew I followed the rules. Waking up on Sunday to sit through a three-hour service was draining. We were told how unworthy we were. They told us how sinful we were and how we were headed for hell for not giving enough money, time, or effort. Beat down week after week for years. Never lifted up, never helped, never asked about, never given a break.

    Sundays were a nightmare, a cycle of exhaustion that dominated my life. I am so glad to be sitting at home in my pajamas on a Sunday morning, not worrying about having to attend church today.

    I am finally free.

    The Dread of Waking Up on Sundays and Going to Church

  • My Cat, Queso!

    I know reading this blog can feel heavy. Re-reading my posts still makes my stomach ache and my head throb. So today, I’d like you to meet Queso.

    I have a bunch of nicknames for him. I call him Blanket Finder because if there’s a blanket anywhere, he will find it and cuddle on it. I call him Pillow Pet. This is a nod to those ’80s stuffed animals. They were made to cuddle with and hang out on your bed. I also call him Meowy McMeowersin.

    Do you have a cat? Do you have nicknames for them?

    Queso talks a lot, and he’s incredibly comforting to me. I’ve added some pictures of him below — I hope you like them.

    Please tell me about your cat, or one you used to have, or a cat you made friends with.

    My Cat, Queso!

  • How The Fear Caused Stress and Sickness in My Life

    The cycle started immediately. Guilt and fear were held over my head from the moment I was told I needed Jesus Christ to save me or I would die and suffer a violent end an eternity in hell. I was told I would burn alongside all the other “awful sinners” if I didn’t say the prayer and repent of my “terrible sins.” I was told I was born bad, unworthy of anything good unless I followed the rules.

    It makes me sick even to write this. I feel anger. I was exploited. I was taken advantage of, and I paid dearly for it. I’m hurt and furious that I wasted so many good years of my life.

    The lies and fear created stress, and prolonged stress breaks down the body and mind. Eventually, it makes you sick. I was always ill. On top of that, I carried the demands of being a woman in the military, the long hours, constant training, deployments, and moving wherever I was needed.

    And through it all, I was homesick. Religion told me to stay away from my family. Religion told me not to make friends. Religion told me to live in isolation. I couldn’t lean on my family when I needed them most, being young and away from home for the first time. I was cut off from reality and my support system, with nothing but toxic teachings filling my head. I was alone, and that loneliness made me sick.

    This subject is heavy and not easy to read, so I’ll keep it short for now and continue another time

    How The Fear Caused Stress and Sickness in My Life

  • First the lies, then the fear.

    I’m still processing all of the lies. I still have to untangle myself from them, strike them down, and learn to live apart from them.

    The fear they created was so destructive—it consumed me. The stress it brought into my life was unbearable.

    One example: the lie that I had to dress a certain way at church. There was a strict, mandatory dress code at every church I attended. For women, it was always skirts, with the rest of the body covered as much as possible—hats, closed-toe shoes, and long sleeves. Pants were never acceptable. And this is no exaggeration: the more “old lady–like” you dressed, the better. Self-expression was frowned upon, even punished.

    This lie hurt me financially, because I had to constantly buy clothing I didn’t even want. I lived in fear that if I didn’t follow the rules exactly, I would be yelled at and scolded. And yes, they yelled at us.

    It also crushed me emotionally. I hated those clothes. I’ve always been someone who feels best in high-quality jeans, girly tops, great shoes, light patterns, makeup, and fun short hair. That’s who I am—and who I still am. But they stripped that away from me. I was afraid to be myself.

    The lies created the fear. The fear created the stress. And that cycle became my prison.

    I lived in that hell for twenty long years.

    First the lies, then the fear.

  • The Lies continued…

    The Lies I Believed in High-Control Religion

    Here are some of the lies I was taught and believed for far too long:

    • I was less of a person until I got married and had children.
    • As a woman, I could never wear pants or cut my hair.
    • I could not wear makeup.
    • I could not date—I had to wait for “the one” God supposedly chose for me (to this day, I still don’t know what that meant).
    • I could not watch TV or movies, or even go to a theater.
    • I could not pursue a college degree, because it would interfere with church attendance.
    • I could not go to doctors when I was sick—I was supposed to let God heal me.
    • I could not have friends outside the church.
    • I could not have a close or loving relationship with my family, because they weren’t “saved.”
    • I had to give a set percentage of my income to the church every month.
    • I was a terrible person. God’s love was conditional, only if I was perfect.
    • I was still damned to hell—even though I was “saved”—because we were never good enough.

    These lies caused deep harm and confusion. We were held to impossible standards, expected to be happy while living under strict control.

    How have you been controlled by the church? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments.

    The Lies continued…

  • The Lies I believed…

    I’m here to tell my story. I will name names—of people and churches—not to shame, but to make sure the truth is told. I suffered for too long, and maybe this blog will help you see what I couldn’t at the time.

    The Lies I Believed When I Was in a Cult

    Where do I even start? Religion told me so many lies—countless, really. The cult I was part of handed them out easily. Need a lie about your health? There was one ready. Need to know who to trust or who to fear? They decided that for you, labeling people as “holy” or “evil.”

    The lies were everywhere. No matter what was happening in my life, there was always another lie to believe in.

    There were too many to count, and they were slowly destroying me. My whole life was built on them. I was living inside a lie, surrounded by liars. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I spread those lies myself—because I didn’t know any better. In fact, I was one of the best at spreading them. I was a top lie-bearer, and I didn’t even realize it.

    The Lies I believed…

Since I've been gone...

The long road after leaving a religious cult

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